Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Torture devices....

     So, I had to go through some medical testing today.  It surprises me that, even with modern advances in technology, some medical tests are almost as barbaric as Medieval torture.  As I was being poked and prodded, I started to consider the various devices used for torture.  Nothing freaks out a waiting room full of people like a Google search about torture devices! 
     Being the sick twist that I am, I decided to compare/contrast some of the most gruesome torture devices with present day medical tests, just to prove my point.  Frighteningly, some of them relate more to women than men.  Ladies, please accept my heartfelt sympathy because you definitely got the short end of the stick.   For the first (but probably not the last) time I think I need to post a disclaimer.  **Disclaimer: This post is purely for entertainment purposes and does not accurately portray any specific doctor, hospital, or facility.  Descriptions of tortures and/or medical procedures are not indicative of actual physicians and should not be used as an excuse to refuse medical treatments.** Now, let the fun begin!
     The Pear of Anguish/Colonoscopy/Pap Smear- The "pear of anguish" was a pear shaped device (hence the name) that was fashioned from metal shapes, similar to petals, which were joined by a hinge at one end and a crank on the other.  The "pear" was usually inserted into orifices in the lower torso but occasionally in the throat.  When the crank was turned, the petals would open and spread.  I think the comparison here is pretty obvious and needs no further elaboration but if you're not quite following: think speculum.
     The next one isn't quite as obvious so you might need to use your imagination a little more.  The Brazen Bull/MRI- The Brazen Bull was a hollow, formed brass statue with a cast door on one side.  To make it less grotesque for the audience, the statue was made to look like a bull.  The sounds of the poor tortured soul, locked inside and roasted to death, reverberated through the thick metal and supposedly sounded like the animal.  For those of you who are claustrophobic, an MRI probably feels like being stuffed inside the belly of a bull.  Sure, being strapped to the table and unable to move isn't quite as horrible as being permanently locked inside a flaming oven but sometimes it gets really hot in that little room.  Additionally, all of that banging and clanging of the machine probably sounds a little like a person trying to break out of the metal bull. 
     The "Breast Ripper"/Mammogram- I've actually heard some of my female friends and relatives refer to a mammogram as "the breast ripper" but, believe it or not, there really was a torture device with that name.  It was a metal claw specifically made to rip and shred the breasts.  Sometimes, the torturer would heat the claw until it glowed red and other times they did not.  The victim was tied to a wall then the claw would pierce and tear the flesh away from the body.  Again, I've never had this done but it doesn't really sound much different than the pulling and mashing during a mammogram.  The only difference being, they take pictures in the hospital.
     Even though I could probably keep going, I think I will stop there for tonight.  Please remember, any similarities to those living or dead was completely unintentional and no animals were harmed in the writing of this blog. 

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